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Dear LJ,

How are you doing? It's been a while hasn't it? Sorry for not posting anything, in fact. I think this will be the last post I'll ever make. This shall be my formal good-bye to you. 

We've had a great great run you and I. It was short but I poured everything out on you. All that depression... I guess that's why I stopped going back to you. The depression was killing me, it literally was. And it wasn't good for me and for everyone around me. So I had to change for my own sake. I couldn't go back here because what I've written was just too unbearable...

But I'm getting better! I'm not there yet, I'm not in that state in where I once basked in rays of good light.. not yet. I'm getting there, I'm getting there. I won't delete you (duh), I love you too much for that. It's just that, it's just time for me to move on (funny, I wish I could say the same for myself, right right? lol )

I love you LJ

Who knows, maybe once I reach found that peace and happiness again, I'll come back and tell you about it! That's a promise.

Good-bye for now

Love,
The Storyteller

Soup

Now that I know what I needed to know, something ticked when I popped some soup into the microwave. The sound of the microwave, the sight of the soup going around slowly got me into a trance, and it sent me into a deep state of thought....

Bad stuff happens to good people, that I know. Bad stuff happens to people who never give up, that I know too as well... I know it very well. But happiness, true happiness can always be attained. No matter how much shit you go through, no matter how long it takes, don't ever give up. But then I realized that only through true love can you find true happiness. I lost a lot of things I really loved. I lost a lot of people I loved... I pushed away people I love to protect them from me. It really seems that I wasn't born to be loved nor to love.

Humans were born to love, so what the fuck am I?

It seems that love isn't made for... or rather... I wasn't made for love. I've lost a lot... and I'm still losing...

All that thinking happened until the microwave beeped after two minutes. It snapped me out of my trance, but left me with things to ponder on.

Now the question is... what do I do? People tell me "It's life man, it really is like that" to be honest, I'm tired of hearing that. You ain't seen life if you ain't me.

Now then... what do I do?

Wow :))

Today was a different kind of day :)) My friend and his ex came over today. We had a this extremely small gaming tournament, cause it was just three of us :)) After all that, somehow we all got down to our birthday suits and got to it. I actually had fun. like real FUN and it was the first time I laughed while doing it, not just the laugh that happens anytime, I like laughed really really hard. And I know why. I've had sex along with my contacts, but I never had sex along with my friend. And when I'm with my friend, we're on a one way trip to laugh town. He says the most stupid things and so do I :)) But over all, this was the best sex I've had, I can't even remember the last time I had fun when having sex. I don't even think I had fun while having sex. People think I'm sick and shit, but imagine me playing at a gaming tournament with my friends, yeah it was that fun. Hay... somehow I feel no one can understand how I think nor feel :| I mean having sex with my contacts is really different when your partner is your friend.

Fourth Chapter: Absentia...

I  miss you...
I miss your touch...
I miss that feeling...
I miss your taste...
I miss that lusciousness...
I miss your scent...
I miss being captivated...
I miss your voice...
I miss that sweet sound of happiness...
I miss seeing you...
I did see you...
But it wasn't at the right time...

I miss you...
But I don't know you anymore...
Tell me, who you are...
Me beloved Luna...

Third Chapter: Libraria

Written in a library (go figure :| ) on Oct. 17.

I've suffered so much...
I have been chosen to suffer...
I'm emotionally unstable...
I'm emotionally weak...
I may seem strong
But in fact I have a heart of a child
For five long years I've never loved
For five long years I've never been loved
But now I have...
I have learned to love
To truly love someone
And to be honest
I want to be loved
but it seems like I don't deserve to be loved no matter how much I love
I have no real family...
I have no one to call "home"
I feel so much pain
And to think that it came from one feeling

She was such a close friend
We told each other everything
She was like my secret sister
I loved her
Why did she die...
I really saw no reason why she had to die...
After her death, everything started to REALLY go downhill
My only family died right in front of my eyes...

Damn it...
I want to forget!
I want to forget the pain...
I want my sister back.

Fuck :|

I love her, but I can't love her. Should I or should I not? My friends tell me if for the best. I say, it most likely may not be for the best. They say they understand how hard it is to let go. They say it takes time. But I don't want to let her go. She's the most wonderful person I've met in my entire life, she's changed me so much that only my friends could only hope for, I mean what my friends tried to do in years she did it in months, that's unheard of! Plus to add the fact that she didn't know that she did it nor she didn't know how she was doing it is truly remarkable! She was the only person who could see the real me...

am I deluding myself...
am I blinded by the pain...
am I losing it...
or have I lost it...
Should I really let her go?
Should I let go of her?
Is letting her go a good thing?
How bad will it affect me?
Will it last for a long long time?

I suddenly have this question that pooped out of my head again... and it's the one question that I myself am surprised to hear from myself....
Is she really worth all of this?
All this pain?
All this suffering that you're going through?
Is she really?

But now I have another question that's worse...
Are you really that stupid? Have you actually opened your eyes and seen the truth? You may actually be suffer for nothing! NOTHING, and it may or may not be in a good way.

Plus I can't get rid of the feeling that she already let me go. She just won't tell me because she knows something is going to happen to me... I mean everyday I hang by a thread... and I fear all I need is a push, a nudge or even just a flick.

But the one question that seems to baffle me is...
Do you still really love her? Are you just tricking yourself that you are for your own benefit? Can you still feel your love for her?

But can I feel her love for me...
Does it still exist?
If I asked her now she would say "I don't know..." I can't ask her things like this anymore... and I can't talk about stuff like this to her anymore... she said it clear to me that she doesn't want to know things that she doesn't want to know...j sakgbonsE SXZVJIAGYJ\-0OTG35 TG08VSGVHY\JNUH FUCK THIS... fuck this, really... I've never suffered so much my entire life, and what's more I can't do anything about it. I can't solve it. I can't smoke or take drugs. I can't have sex. Liquor doesn't do shit anymore. Being so powerless and useless and yet to know what to do is completely lunacy. It's outrageous! Its feeling is like there's a person sticking a dagger into your chest and you can't do anything about it. You can't fend him off because you really have no choice but to let it be, no matter how much you hate it, you can't do anything about it.

But even if I can't do anything... I just wish I knew what was going on in her life... I really wish we could talk... I don't miss you... I fucking miss you a lot. I miss you...

Now is it me or am I still deluded?

But why don't we talk? I mean before, when you had your DND sign, we still talked but ever since then... you really didn't want to anymore...
Somehow... no matter how I look at it, this is really all my fault AND I CAN'T DO ANYTHING TO FIX IT! HOW BOUT THAT HUH!?!?!?
This is some bullshit I'm in right now...

I just can't understand why I can't I solve it? Why am I not being given the chance to straighten things out and make things better?
My friends say let her go, but isn't that just running away from the problem? Not only running away but isn't it also a selfish act? To let go because it hurts you? Isn't that a selfish act? It's kinda immature is it not? So why aren't I given the chance to do something about it?
Why aren't I given the opportunity?

If I really was just born to suffer...
Then only in death shall I find peace and tranquility.

"Look how pathetic you are! Tch... TRYING to LIVE.. tssss, you're a pathetic excuse for a human" - the other me
"You're not worth it... you're just a piece o' shit, that's what you are. Come on let me take care of it for you. I'll make the pain go away, forever" - the other me

If I let him take control of me... you'll never see again, I guess that's another reason why I'm so suicidal, to protect you from him.

And so ends another mindless act of powerful emotion, so powerful it's ironic I'm powerless... and believe me when I say, I have to wipe the tears off the table. How pathetic I am...

And again...

I don't know why I'm posting this :|

I had a dream, I had this kind of dream over and over again, and how it affects me is really... yeah...
She and I were alone together, wrapped in each others arms, she stared into my heart with those extremely happy eyes :)) they were to die for :)) and her smile, well lets just say it makes me smile as well :)) It felt so real, I could feel her warmth. I could feel my heart beating fast as hers. It felt so good an so nice...

And so as I woke up, my chest started to ache, and it was really really painful.
Who knew a sweet dream could bring me such pain.
I must really miss her... I think the mere fact that I'm getting these kind of dreams frequently is already proof of that.

I really do miss her.

Second Chapter: Conversationem...

What do I feel? I feel emptiness...
You are empty?
Yes...
If you are, then how can you feel?
...
I ask again, how do you feel?
I feel... dead...
You are dead?
Yes...
If you are dead, how can you feel?
...
I ask again, how do you feel?
Painful...
Why painful?
Because of the suffering...
Why are you suffering?
Problems...
Problems?
Yes, problems...
What kind of problems?
To much...
To much and too painful?
yes...
So you suffer because of you problems?
yes...
It is painful because of your problems?
yes...
Then solve your problems! Why let it bring you pain and suffering!? Go and solve it!
I CAN'T!!!
Why not?
I am cuffed against a wall and caged in a cell wrapped in thorns...
Why?
It was meant to be... maybe destiny...
Destiny is just a nice way of saying, you have no choice.
I have no choice...
It is destiny?
yes...
I see...
I know... we know... for we are one...
But I am not you
Nor am I you...
We have one mind
But different hearts...
You are in love.
You are in love as well.
We are in love
But you deserve her more, you have the courage
had... now I'm nothing... please
NO! I can not help you... but I will suffer with you, not because I have no choice, not because we are one, because I want to.
But suffering with you means I'll suffer alone...
...
I will suffer alone in this dark empty cage. I will suffer alone, cuffed against this cold dead wall...
But you are still alive
If I was born to suffer... then only in death shall I find tranquility...
Only in death shall we find tranquility
What about her? Will you leave her alone?
I hope that I never never... But I am human...
You might?
I might....
And everyone else?
and everyone else...
I see... so what now?
We suffer in this cage that's wrapped in thorns... cuffed against the wall...
Until the bitter end?
until the bitter end....
I see...
I'm sorry...
We have no choice...
It is our destiny...

Damn....

I have no idea at all anymore :|
I'm just this empty vessel...
Roaming the earth for something...
Something to live for...
Was I really born for something?
Am I even alive at all?
I've never felt this shitty in my entire life at all...
If back then I was in such a state that vices were my only form of comfort
Multiply this by itself :|
I don't know where this is coming from...
I just suddenly felt completely useless...
I think I am...
I seriously don't know what to live for...
Great...
Now I'm asking myself...
Is there even anything to live for?
I promised never to ease the pain like how I used to...
god...
I wanna stab myself so that I don't feel this dagger in my heart anymore...
But no...
I might have something to live for daw...
But if the only way to ease the pain is to solve the problem...
Then I should slove the problem right?
So why am I still miserable???
Because I'm being held back against my will...
I'm not emo...
I'm suicidal.
If this keeps on going...
Ewan ko lang...
I may never see the sun rise and the sun set unfortunately...

First Episode: Pictura

A captured memory brought the man to his knees
Pain trickled down his puzzled face
His teeth clenched in torment
Oh how his heart aches
Like a dagger, it stabbed his soul
He cried out in anguish a name
The name...
After many moments
The man stopped
It, stopped...
But his heart beats strong and hard
And yet slow and steady
Pumping the pins and needles throughout his weary body
His mind grows fragile
Like a frozen glass, all it needs is a tap...
for it to shatter
For it to end...
The end of all ends.

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